In general, the stars over Germaine are perturberant .
(March 21-April 20)
You’ve been living with your significant other for eight years. You’ve been thinking about getting married, but you still can’t agree on a color scheme and the number of bridesmaids. It doesn’t look like you’ll be tying the knot this June, either. But on the bright side, your ten children are healthy, everybody had their shots before you went to Ecuador and drank the water. It looks like you will be coming into some money around the 6th, but your car will breakdown on the 23rd and you’ll have to spend most of the money on a new transmission.
(April 21-May 20)
If you had 10 bucks for every time someone said, “I knew you were a Taurus, you’re so strong,” you could repair all the potholes in a medium-sized American city. You’re not strong, are you? Inside that tough exterior, below that thick bull neck, somewhere in your flannel covered chest, beat’s the heart of a lonely, desperate man trying to escape the dreary, miserable existence he’s got himself into because you’ve never summoned enough courage to propel yourself out of the hell you’ve been basking in all your life. Hey, listen, you have no idea how many people feel just like you do.
(May 21-June 20)
Every mirror is a mystery, an alchemy of liquid and metal, a place where ghosts hover and the face you thought you had disappears from one day to the next. The Greeks made up these two boys, brothers, and made them warriors and killed them in battle so that they could name stars after them. Beware of stargazers and warrior makers, especially around the 10th of the month. Oh, and there is a cracked board on your back porch that you’ll want to take care of before the 12th or you may find yourself getting that tetanus shot a lot sooner than you planned.
(June 21-July 22)
Sunny days are in your future this month. Things couldn’t get much better for you and in fact they probably won’t. You’ve pretty much peaked. Lucky you got as high as you did before the fall. I’m not saying you’re going to fall far, but let’s just say that you’ll be tightening your belt and trading in the Mercedes SUV before the end of summer.
(July 23-Aug. 22)
The 5th of the month will bring some disturbing news, but things will get better by the 13th. Sorry, I just don’t have anything else to tell you. The stars are pretty quiet for Leo, right now.
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
You are going to meet the love of your life in June if you go to the library on the 9th. If not, it will be a good five or ten years before you meet up with someone you are remotely compatible with. You will decide to get rid of all the extra stuff you’ve been hanging onto since you moved out of that big old house in Nyssa and came to Germaine. It’s time. It’ll feel good, trust me, oh and I’m willing to pay as much as $8 for that turntable. I mean, what are you going to use it for now that your ex has all the records?
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
You’ve been considering it ever since you went to Portland and saw the Cirque, so what are you waiting for? The stars are lined up like ants on a sugar trail. You will be a fabulous dresser and you speak French. I recommend leaving on the 16th. Ciaio et bon chance.
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You are mellowing like a fine wine. The edges are coming off and you are making friends at last. You will meet a new friend at the grange dance on the 11th. Not lover. Friend. This friend will be with you for a long time and will play a really important part in your life, enhancing your career and your personal growth.
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
The arrow doesn’t fall far from the bow as they say. You are as like your third cousin twice removed as a peach pit is to a tulip. If you can make sense of that you are more psychic than I am. Don’t blame me, I just write what I see in the stars and they are perturberant this month, just like it says at the top of the page.
You’re children are lucky to be born in this place. Remember that the next time one of them whines about not being able to go to a real mall–and they will whine about it the minute school lets out on 6th. Just look at them and smile. Give them a big hug and say, no one is tormenting you, blowing up your house, or denying your humanity. Then give them that list of chores you’ve been working on all spring.
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Water is thin, but heavy. It holds up huge ships. That’s you, transparent as a ghost, carrying all the ships of tomorrow on your slender shoulders. Relief is on the way. The shift is about to change. The whistle is going to blow. Lay down your burden. The cavalry is cresting the hill. You can ride off into the sunset. It’s a minute past noon and the bad guys are too late. Be careful if you eat out on the 26th.
(Feb. 19-March 20)
There is a reason the fish is last. Fish is best served fresh even when it is consuming itself. You’ve been quite successful reducing your carbon footprint. We all thank you. You will have a surprise visit this month from Uncle Wes whom you haven’t seen for 32 years. He’ll bring you a present he has been carrying around for almost that long. You may not find it very useful.
If Your Birthday Is in June
You are a sun worshipper extraordinaire. You skin is suffering and looks more like the skin of a crocodile than the largest organ of the human body. There is this ooky, slick stuff called sun block. Most grocery stores carry it. I’d buy some and use it if I were you. Just saying.
Disclaimer: This horoscope is presented for entertainment purposes only. The Germaine Truth does not endorse any particular system of divination.