Stars Over Germaine for May

In gen­er­al, the stars over Ger­maine are mis­cre­ant.
(March 21-April 20)

Hail around the 13th will cause a sub­stan­tial incon­ve­nience for some of you. If you work the night shift at the brew­ery, you will want to be care­ful dri­ving home on the 16th. The tax­man cometh for those who did not file in April. He will be wear­ing a brown duster and a yel­low hat. You can’t miss him, but hid­ing from him will do you no good.

(April 21-May 20)

While on vaca­tion in South Amer­i­ca, you will nar­row­ly escape death. The stars are a bit unclear about the nature of the threat. You may be run over by a covert so intent on fol­low­ing Chavez’s mechan­ic, that he does not see you step out into the street at a clear­ly marked cross­walk. Or you may ven­ture too far into the Ama­zon and be par­tial­ly con­sumed by a giant man-eat­ing plant. Or a vol­cano, asleep for thou­sands of years, may sud­den­ly awak­en and bury all your com­pan­ions leav­ing you alone and starv­ing on a remote trail in Colum­bia. Why would you go to Colum­bia? Don’t you know it is not safe?

(May 21-June 20)

Some­where in the world your per­fect dop­pel­gänger will awak­en ear­ly on the morn­ing of the 5th. She will stretch and yawn and look out her win­dow with sleep droopy eyes and see the uni­verse stretch­ing out like an end­less string of neu­rons. At that moment, she will make a deci­sion that will change both of your lives for­ev­er, but not imme­di­ate­ly. It will be years before the impact of her choice comes to light.

(June 21-July 22)

Don’t for­get to take the roast out of the freez­er. Every­thing depends on it.

(July 23-Aug. 22)

Here kit­ty, kit­ty. Come in from the cold. Don’t you know that the weath­er is chang­ing? May will be cold­er than Alice’s heart. On the 21st, you will find your true love wait­ing for you in the library hold­ing a book of poems by Mil­ton, his fin­gers run­ning over the braille like water over the falls, his per­fect lips mov­ing slight­ly as if the words were flow­ing up his arm and drop­ping into the air. You will not be able to resist him.

(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Mon­ey, mon­ey, mon­ey, hon­ey. Like every­one else you are on the cusp of eco­nom­ic ruin. It is not pos­si­ble to pre­pare for every­thing. So, pre­pare for noth­ing. Embrace noth­ing as if it were your only desire. Take all of your belong­ings out of your house and give them away. Wrap a sin­gle length of seam­less cloth around your body and go forth into the wilder­ness that is this world. Remem­ber, the Tau that can be told is not the Tao.

(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Why do the stars prat­tle on about bal­ance where you are con­cerned? You are the least bal­anced per­son I’ve ever met. If you were stand­ing with each foot on a spher­i­cal object one would be a mar­ble and the oth­er would be a bas­ket­ball. You’d fall over. That’s what you do. You fall over. We love you, any­way. This month, you will want to be care­ful where house­hold appli­ances are con­cerned. Be espe­cial­ly aware of what your toast­er is doing.

(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Your wife is hid­ing some­thing from you. Your chil­dren are fail­ing in school. Your mis­tress is see­ing some­one else, and the dog is los­ing con­trol of its blad­der. Things could be bet­ter. You will expe­ri­ence a com­plete turn-around in your finances. May is going to be the best ever month for your busi­ness. Prof­its will pro­pel you into mil­lion­aire sta­tus. What a lucky dude!

(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

May 3rd is the day you want to mark on your cal­en­dar with a big, fat, red X. Some­thing dra­mat­ic is going to hap­pen on that day. On the 12th, your boss may give you a raise. Don’t make any major plans for this increase in income, it is not like­ly to last. Check with your attor­ney before you say any­thing on the radio about what you know about a cer­tain City Coun­cil mem­ber.

(Dec.22-Jan. 19)

Rev­e­la­tions about your invest­ments will come out after the 15th. This will have an adverse affect your fol­low­ers. You will expe­ri­ence a decline in mem­ber­ship at your com­pound. Some peo­ple you thought were loy­al to you will betray you to the com­man­dant. It would not be wise to take pre-emp­tive action by elim­i­nat­ing your cadre. It would be bet­ter to just get the hell out of Dodge.

(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

You won’t want to start plant­i­ng this month unless you start the seeds indoors. Any­thing plant­ed in May is going to rot in the ground this year. Con­sid­er grow­ing Hemp instead of pota­toes. Remem­ber no one dies in a Hemp famine.

(Feb. 19-March 20)

You’ve been study­ing so hard and it is going to pay off. You will be accept­ed into the grad­u­ate pro­gram at Chapel Hill and this will put you in exact­ly the right place at the right time. Just keep your nose in your books for the first 2 weeks of May and you will be able to relax and knock back a brew or two after the 16th.

If Your Birth­day Is in May

You dream giant dreams, big­ger than the clouds, more pow­er­ful than a hur­ri­cane, stronger than the odor of a feed­lot, a thou­sand times more bril­liant than the sun. Grad­u­al­ly, you will come to under­stand that you are mor­tal and frail and vul­ner­a­ble and your dreams are wisps of smoke blown to noth­ing over a name­less and vast ocean.

Dis­claimer: This horo­scope is pre­sent­ed for enter­tain­ment pur­pos­es only. The Ger­maine Truth does not endorse any par­tic­u­lar sys­tem of div­ina­tion.

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