In general, the stars over Germaine are miscreant.
(March 21-April 20)
Hail around the 13th will cause a substantial inconvenience for some of you. If you work the night shift at the brewery, you will want to be careful driving home on the 16th. The taxman cometh for those who did not file in April. He will be wearing a brown duster and a yellow hat. You can’t miss him, but hiding from him will do you no good.
(April 21-May 20)
While on vacation in South America, you will narrowly escape death. The stars are a bit unclear about the nature of the threat. You may be run over by a covert so intent on following Chavez’s mechanic, that he does not see you step out into the street at a clearly marked crosswalk. Or you may venture too far into the Amazon and be partially consumed by a giant man-eating plant. Or a volcano, asleep for thousands of years, may suddenly awaken and bury all your companions leaving you alone and starving on a remote trail in Columbia. Why would you go to Columbia? Don’t you know it is not safe?
(May 21-June 20)
Somewhere in the world your perfect doppelgänger will awaken early on the morning of the 5th. She will stretch and yawn and look out her window with sleep droopy eyes and see the universe stretching out like an endless string of neurons. At that moment, she will make a decision that will change both of your lives forever, but not immediately. It will be years before the impact of her choice comes to light.
(June 21-July 22)
Don’t forget to take the roast out of the freezer. Everything depends on it.
(July 23-Aug. 22)
Here kitty, kitty. Come in from the cold. Don’t you know that the weather is changing? May will be colder than Alice’s heart. On the 21st, you will find your true love waiting for you in the library holding a book of poems by Milton, his fingers running over the braille like water over the falls, his perfect lips moving slightly as if the words were flowing up his arm and dropping into the air. You will not be able to resist him.
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Money, money, money, honey. Like everyone else you are on the cusp of economic ruin. It is not possible to prepare for everything. So, prepare for nothing. Embrace nothing as if it were your only desire. Take all of your belongings out of your house and give them away. Wrap a single length of seamless cloth around your body and go forth into the wilderness that is this world. Remember, the Tau that can be told is not the Tao.
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Why do the stars prattle on about balance where you are concerned? You are the least balanced person I’ve ever met. If you were standing with each foot on a spherical object one would be a marble and the other would be a basketball. You’d fall over. That’s what you do. You fall over. We love you, anyway. This month, you will want to be careful where household appliances are concerned. Be especially aware of what your toaster is doing.
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Your wife is hiding something from you. Your children are failing in school. Your mistress is seeing someone else, and the dog is losing control of its bladder. Things could be better. You will experience a complete turn-around in your finances. May is going to be the best ever month for your business. Profits will propel you into millionaire status. What a lucky dude!
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
May 3rd is the day you want to mark on your calendar with a big, fat, red X. Something dramatic is going to happen on that day. On the 12th, your boss may give you a raise. Don’t make any major plans for this increase in income, it is not likely to last. Check with your attorney before you say anything on the radio about what you know about a certain City Council member.
Revelations about your investments will come out after the 15th. This will have an adverse affect your followers. You will experience a decline in membership at your compound. Some people you thought were loyal to you will betray you to the commandant. It would not be wise to take pre-emptive action by eliminating your cadre. It would be better to just get the hell out of Dodge.
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You won’t want to start planting this month unless you start the seeds indoors. Anything planted in May is going to rot in the ground this year. Consider growing Hemp instead of potatoes. Remember no one dies in a Hemp famine.
(Feb. 19-March 20)
You’ve been studying so hard and it is going to pay off. You will be accepted into the graduate program at Chapel Hill and this will put you in exactly the right place at the right time. Just keep your nose in your books for the first 2 weeks of May and you will be able to relax and knock back a brew or two after the 16th.
If Your Birthday Is in May
You dream giant dreams, bigger than the clouds, more powerful than a hurricane, stronger than the odor of a feedlot, a thousand times more brilliant than the sun. Gradually, you will come to understand that you are mortal and frail and vulnerable and your dreams are wisps of smoke blown to nothing over a nameless and vast ocean.
Disclaimer: This horoscope is presented for entertainment purposes only. The Germaine Truth does not endorse any particular system of divination.