The Stars Over Germaine for September

In gen­er­al, the stars over Ger­maine are rejoic­ing.
(March 21-April 20)

It is a bad, bad, bad time for you to be think­ing about open­ing a shop. Please wait for a few months. Of course you won’t. You’ve nev­er done any­thing I’ve advised. You have a tedious job, a real jack­ass for a boss, and no real sense of accom­plish­ment in your work. I guess bank­rupt­cy would at least be a change. You might give some thought to your fam­i­ly, though.

(April 21-May 20)

Ze Bull is mad! So bulls are always mad. Zat is vat makes zem bulls. You are a bull so you are mad. Live with it. Now is the time to gain some mas­tery over your feel­ings of resent­ment. Take some risks. Fall in love with that book­ish, sweet man you meet in the library in Burns. He is a good man. You won’t find bet­ter. Oh, and don’t sell your house.

(May 21-June 20)

Sep­tem­ber is an excel­lent month for you to for­mal­ize your social rela­tion­ships. Your wed­ding will take place as planned except you won’t be in it. You and your part­ners will incor­po­rate and you will throw your­self into your work to ease your bro­ken heart. Or form a cor­po­ra­tion. The tri­al that has been con­tin­ued for the last sev­er­al months will final­ly be heard and you can stop putting your life on hold.

(June 21-July 22)

Have you noticed how Sher­iff Sweet has stopped harass­ing you? I think your hard time with author­i­ty is pass­ing and you will be able to focus on your men­tal health. That’s good because it will bring you into con­tact with some like-mind­ed peo­ple. Might even be a romance in the off­ing. You will receive an email from Nige­ria on the 10th. There is no Rev Flem­ing being held for ran­som. This is a scam. DO NOT TRANSFER ANY MONEY TO MRS. FLEMING.

(July 23-Aug. 22)

Hard work is due this month. Old Sat­urn is play­ing with your sec­ond house–no not the con­do in Kona, your celes­tial house. Since you learned to cro­chet, it seems like all you do. You are neglect­ing your sheep and the ticks are fierce this year. Long past time to dip. There is a wind­fall com­ing your way and not just apples in the orchard. Don’t take it as a sign you should put a roof on the barn, you won’t be that flush.

(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

There is no place like home and the peo­ple in it, is there? This month will real­ly bring that home to you. You rec­og­nize what an incred­i­ble cook you are and that truf­fle you cre­at­ed with the hazel­nut mousse–it’s your tick­et, baby. Now is the time to make the most of your tal­ents. Now, before the econ­o­my bombs and you are left squeez­ing your fin­gers around missed oppor­tu­ni­ty. Now, because tomor­row is as uncer­tain as the chance of rain in the Mojave.

(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Your best friend has been a lit­tle dis­tant late­ly. You may sus­pect that she has heard the rumors and is try­ing to decide whether or not she wants to be asso­ci­at­ed with you. It is not any easy time. The past intrudes and takes over your life. This is a con­di­tion that may resolve with­out too much harm, but the harm has real­ly already been done, hasn’t it? On the oth­er hand, you will buy a new car, which will make your life sim­pler for awhile.

(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Your trust fund will mature, unfor­tu­nate­ly you won’t. If you don’t learn to take some respon­si­bil­i­ty, there will be noth­ing left and your par­ents’ care­ful plan­ning will all come to noth­ing. But that’s real­ly what you want, isn’t it? They’re not going to keep on con­trol­ling you, are they? Those creepy hands they thrust out of the grave and clamped over your bank account have turned to dust. You’ll show them, you’ll just spend it all on lot­tery tick­ets, trips to Vegas, show­girls, show­boys, rye whiskey and first edi­tions. It’s only mon­ey.

(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

You have learned to let go of the past. The past may not let go of you, so use it. You are enter­ing a lit­er­ary phase, even poet­ic. Painful past? It’s all mate­r­i­al, baby. You will incur an unex­pect­ed expense and that trip to Sacra­men­to to vis­it your sis­ter is going to be delayed for a month so you can replen­ish your funds. And your part­ner is not cheat­ing on you.

(Dec.22-Jan. 19)

It’s a mon­ey month for the old goat. You will dis­cov­er a small stash of very valu­able coins. No one will claim them and you will par­lay the mon­ey you sell them for into a for­tune. Now your only deci­sion is should you stay here in Ger­maine among all the peo­ple who love you dear­ly, or should you move to a South Sea island, take your chances with nucle­ur fall­out, and live like a nat­ur­al human for the last of your unnat­ur­al life.

(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

The time is past –long, long, past– for blam­ing your friends, lovers, casu­al acquain­tances and the man you met briefly as you crossed to street yes­ter­day, for any of your prob­lems. They are your prob­lems. You made them, you named them, you nur­tured them and even if you had stolen or pla­gia­rized them, no one would rec­og­nize them now. It is time to be prac­ti­cal and set aside the day­dreams. Tip of the day: If you’ve got any mon­ey in the stock­mar­ket, kiss it good­bye.

(Feb. 19-March 20)

Good news, you get into the mas­ters pro­gram. Too bad you are going to be leav­ing us behind. We will miss you and no, you can’t come home again. Home won’t be here. Not in the Thomas Wolfe kind of way, but real­ly. It won’t be here. Your house will burn down after the earth­quake, your par­ents will relo­cate to Tuc­son, change their names and refuse to pay your tuition. Bet­ter make sure you get the fel­low­ship. Your future looks bright and I see love in the works with­in the next six months.

If Your Birth­day Is in Sep­tem­ber

You may have once believed that you were par­tic­u­lar­ly blessed among humans. That boat has left the dock. My advise to you now is to learn the breast­stroke.

Dis­claimer: This horo­scope is pre­sent­ed for enter­tain­ment pur­pos­es only. The Ger­maine Truth does not endorse any par­tic­u­lar sys­tem of div­ina­tion.

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