The Stars Over Germaine for September

In general, the stars over Germaine are rejoicing.
(March 21-April 20)

It is a bad, bad, bad time for you to be thinking about opening a shop. Please wait for a few months. Of course you won’t. You’ve never done anything I’ve advised. You have a tedious job, a real jackass for a boss, and no real sense of accomplishment in your work. I guess bankruptcy would at least be a change. You might give some thought to your family, though.

(April 21-May 20)

Ze Bull is mad! So bulls are always mad. Zat is vat makes zem bulls. You are a bull so you are mad. Live with it. Now is the time to gain some mastery over your feelings of resentment. Take some risks. Fall in love with that bookish, sweet man you meet in the library in Burns. He is a good man. You won’t find better. Oh, and don’t sell your house.

(May 21-June 20)

September is an excellent month for you to formalize your social relationships. Your wedding will take place as planned except you won’t be in it. You and your partners will incorporate and you will throw yourself into your work to ease your broken heart. Or form a corporation. The trial that has been continued for the last several months will finally be heard and you can stop putting your life on hold.

(June 21-July 22)

Have you noticed how Sheriff Sweet has stopped harassing you? I think your hard time with authority is passing and you will be able to focus on your mental health. That’s good because it will bring you into contact with some like-minded people. Might even be a romance in the offing. You will receive an email from Nigeria on the 10th. There is no Rev Fleming being held for ransom. This is a scam. DO NOT TRANSFER ANY MONEY TO MRS. FLEMING.

(July 23-Aug. 22)

Hard work is due this month. Old Saturn is playing with your second house–no not the condo in Kona, your celestial house. Since you learned to crochet, it seems like all you do. You are neglecting your sheep and the ticks are fierce this year. Long past time to dip. There is a windfall coming your way and not just apples in the orchard. Don’t take it as a sign you should put a roof on the barn, you won’t be that flush.

(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

There is no place like home and the people in it, is there? This month will really bring that home to you. You recognize what an incredible cook you are and that truffle you created with the hazelnut mousse–it’s your ticket, baby. Now is the time to make the most of your talents. Now, before the economy bombs and you are left squeezing your fingers around missed opportunity. Now, because tomorrow is as uncertain as the chance of rain in the Mojave.

(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Your best friend has been a little distant lately. You may suspect that she has heard the rumors and is trying to decide whether or not she wants to be associated with you. It is not any easy time. The past intrudes and takes over your life. This is a condition that may resolve without too much harm, but the harm has really already been done, hasn’t it? On the other hand, you will buy a new car, which will make your life simpler for awhile.

(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Your trust fund will mature, unfortunately you won’t. If you don’t learn to take some responsibility, there will be nothing left and your parents’ careful planning will all come to nothing. But that’s really what you want, isn’t it? They’re not going to keep on controlling you, are they? Those creepy hands they thrust out of the grave and clamped over your bank account have turned to dust. You’ll show them, you’ll just spend it all on lottery tickets, trips to Vegas, showgirls, showboys, rye whiskey and first editions. It’s only money.

(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

You have learned to let go of the past. The past may not let go of you, so use it. You are entering a literary phase, even poetic. Painful past? It’s all material, baby. You will incur an unexpected expense and that trip to Sacramento to visit your sister is going to be delayed for a month so you can replenish your funds. And your partner is not cheating on you.

(Dec.22-Jan. 19)

It’s a money month for the old goat. You will discover a small stash of very valuable coins. No one will claim them and you will parlay the money you sell them for into a fortune. Now your only decision is should you stay here in Germaine among all the people who love you dearly, or should you move to a South Sea island, take your chances with nucleur fallout, and live like a natural human for the last of your unnatural life.

(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

The time is past –long, long, past– for blaming your friends, lovers, casual acquaintances and the man you met briefly as you crossed to street yesterday, for any of your problems. They are your problems. You made them, you named them, you nurtured them and even if you had stolen or plagiarized them, no one would recognize them now. It is time to be practical and set aside the daydreams. Tip of the day: If you’ve got any money in the stockmarket, kiss it goodbye.

(Feb. 19-March 20)

Good news, you get into the masters program. Too bad you are going to be leaving us behind. We will miss you and no, you can’t come home again. Home won’t be here. Not in the Thomas Wolfe kind of way, but really. It won’t be here. Your house will burn down after the earthquake, your parents will relocate to Tucson, change their names and refuse to pay your tuition. Better make sure you get the fellowship. Your future looks bright and I see love in the works within the next six months.

If Your Birthday Is in September

You may have once believed that you were particularly blessed among humans. That boat has left the dock. My advise to you now is to learn the breaststroke.

Disclaimer: This horoscope is presented for entertainment purposes only. The Germaine Truth does not endorse any particular system of divination.

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