Madame Zorro


The Stars Over Germaine — horoscope for February

In gen­er­al, the stars over Ger­maine are scin­til­lat­ing.
Aries (March 21-April 20)

You will become obsessed with a per­son of the oppo­site gen­der or the same gen­der depend­ing on your ori­en­ta­tion. You will take huge risks, clean your house for the first time in months and delude your­self into think­ing you are a per­son of excep­tion­al integri­ty so that you believe your­self to be wor­thy of this new-found object of desire.

Tau­rus (April 21-May 20)

You will wake up on Feb­ru­ary third with an urge to get out of town. don’t be sur­prised if you make an impromp­tu trip to Cald­well or Pro­vo. From there you’ll think that Bryce Canyon and Sedona are not too far to go. Don’ wor­ry you’ll be back and we’ll be wait­ing to hear all your fab­u­lous sto­ries. No slides this time, okay? See you in March.

Gem­i­ni (May 21-June 20)

Every­one has been cau­tious­ly pleased about your self-con­trol over the past year vis-a-vis your mouth. You’ll be com­ing out of that in Feb­ru­ary. Might con­sid­er hold­ing a salon or two, maybe get your­self a show on Radio Ger­maine. How­ev­er, this will only be suc­cess­ful if you can curb your pen­chant for butting into everybody’s busi­ness.

Can­cer (June 21-July 22)


Sud­den­ly, the dys­func­tion that hs been sim­mer­ing at the heart of all your rela­tion­ships is going to boil over. That some­one whom you have been admir­ing is going to come on to you like gang­busters, show­er you with flow­ers ad compliments–whoa, slow down–this per­son wil make fatal attrc­tion look like a walk in the woods. Get your rab­bits out town if you care for them at all.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

God you’re des­per­ate and dis­crim­i­nat­ing bor­der­ing on the ridicu­lous. This is not a pos­i­tive attribute. For­tu­nate­ly you will devel­op the abil­i­ty to actu­al­ly become fond of some­one oth­er than your­self. This is a step toward com­mit­ment. Baby steps.

Vir­go (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

God you’re des­per­ate and dis­crim­i­nat­ing bor­der­ing on the ridicu­lous. This is not a pos­i­tive attribute. For­tu­nate­ly you will devel­op the abil­i­ty to actu­al­ly become fond of some­one oth­er than your­self. This is a step toward com­mit­ment. Baby steps.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

The false sense of secu­ri­ty that sur­round­ed your home life at the start of Jan­u­ary will fall away like the veils of Salome until everyone’s ugly thoughts stand exposed. Well, you can’t say you are sur­prised you always knew they were cun­ning, self-serv­ing, petu­lant prigs. Still, they are fam­i­ly so embrace them and move on.
Scor­pio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

How was that Jan­u­ary? Pret­ty hot, huh? And now, in Feb­ru­ary every­one is ready to pay atten­tion to every­thing you say. The only cau­tion is take a deep breath before you speak or your ador­ing audi­ence will treat you like Jane Fon­da at an Amer­i­can Legion cook-out.

Sagit­tar­ius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Always the one to grow and change, now that the diet of 2005 has turned you into a svelte kit­ten, you will urn to your finances and put our accounts in such good order that your banker will become sus­pi­cious. Don’t be sur­prised if the police show up at your door to make sure you aren’t being held cap­tive.

Capri­corn (Dec.22-Jan. 19)

Look at you. Just look at you. Didn’t I tell you that if you gave peo­ple some space they’d be all over you like spam in your email? Keep act­ing like a rea­son­able per­son and you might get that part in Mephistophe­les you’ve been cov­et­ing ever since you first saw The Trag­i­cal His­to­ry of Dr Faus­tus by Christo­pher Mar­lowe on the book­shelf in your uncle Ted’s secret base­ment room where you were for­bid­den to go.

Aquar­ius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Your friends and fam­i­ly were amazed last year when you appeared to turn over a new leaf where your bank account was con­cerned. They praised you in the best way they knew how. But lit­tle did they know that you were just too depressed to open your wal­let and that day when your moth­er-in-law was so proud of you for walk­ing right by that lit­tle red dress in the win­dow of Meier & Frank on that trip to Port­land you all took last August–that appar­ent act of supreme self-con­trol was actu­al­ly the result of you find­ing it nec­es­sary to con­cen­trate on the cracks in the con­crete side­walk so you wouldn’t burst into tears. Well, here is rea­son to cel­e­brate, you’ve final­ly got more than a hun­dred bucks in the cred­it union. Just in time too, because March isn’t look­ing too good.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

You’ve always believed you were a liar and that accounts for how scrupu­lous­ly hon­est you always are. Your best friend is going to take this integri­ty trait of yours as a sign that she can bare her soul to you. What an idiot.


If Your Birth­day Is in Feb­ru­ary
This will be a water­shed year for you. One day around the 10th, on your dri­ve home from your jan­i­to­r­i­al job at St Charles Hos­pi­tal in Bend, as the sun is first streak­ing the sky over high­way 20, you will real­ize that you want to work out of doors. You will apply for a job with the For­est Ser­vice and will spend the rest of the year tramp­ing around the for­est gath­er­ing soil sam­ples and watch­ing tree bark grow. Unfor­tu­nate­ly, your assign­ment will be in the Wine­ma Nation­al For­est and your com­mute will be even longer.

Dis­claimer: This horo­scope is pre­sent­ed for enter­tain­ment pur­pos­es only. The Ger­maine Truth does not endorse any par­tic­u­lar sys­tem of div­ina­tion.
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